It has taken me half a century to brave up and come out of the closet and tell my story. Everyone has a story , some more difficult to tell than others. It is hard to go back in time , and try to remember everything that made us who we are today … I will begin with where I remember my thoughts a bit scattered. I was standing up in a crib. Crying . I remember a man wearing a
brown hat walking in with another man . Perhaps my Father? He said ahh shut up and I cried louder.I do not remember anything else about that. I remember a red metal kid car with pedals and being in it.I remember my Mother holding me outside of our home in Brooklyn and a man walked up and said hello.
I saw his hat and I started to cry. My Mother said , she’s a little cranky. Maybe the man was her X boyfriend? I have a photo of her with him .
I can remember seeing my Grandmothers bed . She was very ill.I saw a white metal bedpan underneath the bed . I was curious and I wondered if there was a hole in the bed for Grandma to pee in the bedpan. I was only about 3 or 4 yrs old .And then I remember my Mother Fathers best friends letting me stay over for a few hours because my Grandmother had died.
I felt like I was somehow in the way. My Mothers friends didn’t talk to me, just had me sit and gave me something to eat when they ate. I was nervous . They did not talk to me . The little house on Jefferson Trail in New Jersey was where we all lived when my parents moved out of the city , it was before my Grandmothers death.2 bedrooms where about 3 sisters slept sharing a bed, a sofa where someone else slept, a porch where I think a sofa bed was , and my parents room where I either slept in the middle of them if I was not sharing the room with sisters.This was just before the two oldest sisters got married and moved away .
Paula, the oldest sister met her husband while we lived there. I remember one day my mother slapped my face to snap me out of a seizure I was having . A petit mal one.I remember being in a Dr office . He had a chase in his office . The kind of lounger that psychiatrists use. he put me on a medication called Zarontin. Everything happened so fast I could hardly save much memories from this small house in New Jersey on jefferson Trail. I ALSO REMEMBER the backyard caving in . I remember PAULA poaring dry laundry detergent in it. I smelled pretty bad. The cesspool had a problem, Because I used to watch a woodpecker peck at a tree in the backyard,assumed it pecked the ground and made this hold that to me, appeared to me the size of the grand canyon.It appeared that way to me because I was so small .
We had a milkman that delivered bread and milk . DUGANS WAS the name of the delivery company. Our dog Lucky would go crazy when he saw the breadman charging him biting at his boots one time tearing opened a loaf of bread. Apparantly before this dog was adopted, it had been kicked
by someone in boots. I remember Paul the brother who I despise to this date, comming home with blood all over his face. Apparantly he ran into a spike that stuck out from a telephone pole while playing hide and go seek. I also remember him sitting next to me one time and he said to me , do you know what this is? And I said your thumb? It was his penis he was exposing himself. I was only about He never did it again.
The people who lived next door , Ruthy and Leon , their daughter I do not remember her name ,but she was quiet . My other sister Kathy, fought with her often.One time Kathy bought a dress and the girl next door bought the same. Kathy started a fight with the girl because of it, jumping over the picket fence to grab the girl and start to beat her up . But she got her just dessert, because Paula hit her on the head with a heavy glass ashtray. The kind that set in ash tray stands back in the 50’s Kathy was admitted to the hospital with a concussion and got stitches.Sometime before that , i remember it was my parents aneversary and Paula got them a squirell monkey in a cage. It would sit in the bathtub in the cage. It made it difficult to go to the bathroom .The day it was givin , it got out and bit m Father . He got a tetnus shot and soon ordered this
animal to be rehomed. Sometimes the cage sat in the kitchen where it watched Kathy make cakes.But soon, Paula and her fiance got married. I remember that I cried alot at her wedding because I knew she was moving away.Jefferson Trail has some odd memories. One time after my parents moved from Jefferson trail having had a home built, Kathy lived in this home . I was dropped off
one afternoon after school but Kathy was no where to be found. The drapes in the living room a royal blue were sewn together and as my Mother pulled away to return to work I panicked unable to motion to her in the window tha no one was home .I walked out of the house to find a neighbor .I went to some house knocked
on the door and said I cant find my sister . But when I left the house to go , there were some kids in the driveway. One in particular , holding a piece of wood painted white with a sharp edge like a knife. As if to hold me up. I talked my way out of that one and he said ok let her go! Stupid asshole. When I made it to the neighbors house I watched her cat hang out on the tv . She gave me some cookies and milk while I waited
for my Mom to come home. Apparantly she knew my Mom because she called her to tell her she would watch me. No one ever asked where Kathy was . Sometimes Kathy would have a group of friends visit the house . She was supposed to watch over me when no one was home. Somehow , everyone was gone except her. She dropped out of school at age 16 . She was the trophy daughter who complained she had a “heart murmer” and had to take pennicilin for it. I don’t understand that story.Eventually she met someone, married at age 17 and
was always yelling and screaming running back home telling the family that her husband had beat her threw her down a flight of stairs, and saying that she lost a baby this way . But she managed to get pregnant and stayed away from her husband for 4 years. She moved into the custom home on Santa Fe Trail.
To be continued…